Imagine there is this naughty kid in the class who is always causing trouble and disruption. He is messy, not good at manners, cannot make sensible sentences, and is always loud. Usually, such kids are laughed at, made fun of, are subject to ridicule or are the butt of all jokes. They also get punished often or are always having detention. The more they get punished, the more boisterous, agitated, and angry.
What if we could give such children attention and love? What if we had the patience to know what is troubling them, give them a safe space to vent, act out, let go of their frustrations and teach them to channel this more productively and harmoniously? Would that be amazing?
Now imagine that this naughty kid in class is your feelings and emotions that have been repressed or have been labelled as weak, bad, horrible or wrong. What do you think would happen?
We would grow up to be emotionally stunted and work half-board—not with our entire team in place. Isn’t it a tragedy to be unable to use all aspects of our personality? Wouldn’t it be better to integrate all aspects of ourselves, even the ones we don’t necessarily like or those frowned on?
How could we do that?
We do that by owning and accepting our feelings and emotions- accepting our naughty kid in the class with all their ‘supposed’ flaws.
Let’s understand what feelings are.
Our feelings and emotions are part of human existence. It is like inhaling and exhaling; both are important. You can’t only inhale and not exhale. The day you stop feeling is the day you are in the coffin.
Feelings are a nudge that something is amiss and needs investigating. It is an invitation to get curious.
Fleetings need authenticity to thrive. They are fleeting, not permanent. They are your feedback mechanism. You don't have to act on every piece of feedback, but like we should value every child in the class, and what they say, we need to hear our ‘feelings’ out.
We don’t have to listen to its every whim, but we can let it express itself. For example, Your feelings side may tell you to quit your job and join the circus. It doesn’t mean you have to; we must hear it out.
Feelings are like a child throwing a tantrum but not knowing how to communicate what it wants. They are a low-level method of communication that needs to be upgraded. We can upgrade them to the next level only when we allow their authenticity to be expressed —without censoring.
If so, why don’t we accept it and learn how to regulate it?
We haven’t been taught how to sit with our feelings and regulate them.
Instead, they’ve had a bad rap for a long time and are called many names. Growing up, many were not allowed to be sad, upset, angry, hurt, disappointed, jealous, cry, frightened, scared, or doubtful. Many were also refrained from being too happy or joyful. (Have you heard cautionary tales like - don’t get too excited or don’t be too happy?)
So many deny these experiences/feelings because they deem them bad.
We fear these feelings will dominate our lives, take control over us, and cause us to hurt ourselves or others. We fear they will make us weak, so we repress them or pretend we don’t have them. After repressing them for years, we stop feeling them and think we’ve got it all under control.
But when it is unconscious, it wreaks more havoc and controls our lives even more. It makes us petty, vindictive and resentful, and all this gunk that is shoved and repressed in our bodies for so long takes a toll on our bodies. It eats away at our insides till we can take it no more, or we flip and lash out recklessly to people and loved ones for the slightest transgression.- and then once again, we say that feelings are bad. It’s this vicious circle on repeat.
How do we navigate through this?
I navigate this by a journaling process called the Deep Cleanse. Here, I allow myself to feel and experience what I feel in a safe and contained way. It is my emotional gym where I allow myself to regulate my feelings as I express them through writing. It allows me to let go of what doesn’t serve me and use the wisdom of what needs to remain.
What does safe mean?
Safe means that all parts of your being feel secure enough to express themselves ‘as they are’ without fear, shame or judgment.
What does containment mean?
Containment means that this expression has a boundary. It is essential because, without boundaries, we may dwell in that state perpetually and will not grow from the lessons we are to learn from it. Boundaries also prevent us from hurting ourselves or others.
What have I learned about the feelings side?
Learning to communicate with the feeling side is like learning a new language.
If we were to learn a new language, say, French, it would take a while, wouldn't it? In the same way, learning to understand the message we get from our feelings involves a learning curve.
My mum was born and raised in a different state in India and didn’t learn the national language of India—Hindi—so whenever she speaks, she makes a lot of mistakes. Once, when she was talking to someone about A, who was renting a flat next to our flat but then moved to another place, the way she communicated the message implied a wrong message. (Instead of saying she used to live here, she said she used to live ( implying she’s dead).
Learning to communicate with the feeling side is like learning a new language. It takes time and will involve mistakes, misunderstandings, and saying the wrong things because we are in that fledgling stage. There will be many errors; hence, we need compassion, understanding, and acceptance.
The feelings side only wants acceptance and inclusion.
You do not have to take it to heart and follow everything. If your ‘feeling side’ tells you to leave your job and join a circus, you do not have to do it because it could be a message they communicated incorrectly ( like my mum). What your feelings side and the naughty kid in the class want from you is only one thing—to be accepted and included as valuable members of your team.
You can negotiate with it and reach an agreement.
Using the same example of the job, if you don’t leave your job, but instead of joining the circus, you reflect on what else you could do to appease that side of you to make it feel like part of the team. Tell it you can’t join the circus but could do something else. Could you add fun and excitement to your life or cut back hours to spend time with your children, rest, or pursue hobbies? The Feeling side points to things you have neglected and need to add more to your life.
As you become more proficient in the language, you learn the art of collaborating and negotiation and become a team player. Instead of being fragmented, become whole and integrated.
There’s no final destination -it’s an ongoing journey.
We will never reach a final destination, a place of Nirvana where we will never ‘feel’ unpleasant feelings. Instead, we will embark on a journey of acceptance, where we learn to live in peace, harmony, and love with ourselves and others.
It’s not quick and instantaneous, sorting out everything in an instant.
It’s not a switch you can turn on and off but takes its own time as we digest and integrate new into new versions of ourselves.
We all need ‘Emotional Hygiene’
It helps our mental, physical and spiritual health.
That little voice inside you, the naughty child in the class, is part of us, whether we accept it or not. We cannot ignore that naughty child or leave them to their own devices because they will start acting out to get attention and harm themselves or the class.
We can’t pretend it doesn’t exist and ignore its presence or the attention it needs. It needs our attention, love, patience, and compassion. It is struggling because it has been in the cold for too long, called names, shunned, and neglected.
We don’t have to make them the focus of the class, either; we have to give them a safe space to be themselves, let go of their frustrations, and learn to channel that frustration into positive fuel.
Let’s do that to our feelings and emotions. Let's include our naughty children in the class and make them feel like they belong.
Thank you for reading!