Do you find it hard to say ‘No’ to people, or do you feel terrible for asking for what you want without the accompanying pangs of guilt or other million thoughts taking control of your mind? If that is the case, you might want to add a healthy dosage of Assertiveness to your diet. Communicating assertively helped me, and I am certain it will be of great help to you as well.
My misconceptions: What did I think about communicating assertively
I first heard about Assertiveness when I attended a workshop about it during my banker days. The trainer hemmed and hawed about the importance of communicating assertively. The only thing that registered in my mind was that it was the penultimate way of being and speaking. It meant speaking nicely enough without being mean to others yet having your way. Well, it was something to that effect!
The other options were aggressive or submissive. In my naivety, I concluded that I was neither of the last two options and, hence, had to be assertive.
My Shock: Did I communicate assertively?
With age, wisdom dawned on me. To my biggest surprise, which caused a deep bruise on my inflated ego, I discovered I was not the glorious ‘Assertive master ‘ yet!
Well, I was in some areas of my life, so I hadn’t hit rock bottom! But surprisingly, I observed that I was aggressive in some situations, and others even bought the ‘doormat’ out of me!
It took me by surprise and was the final nail in the coffin of my ego to know that I did not know how to communicate assertively.
Time for action- Investigate how to communicate assertively
That was where I drew the line and decided it was finally time to dig deep and get to the bottom of what Assertiveness was all about. After all, I didn’t fancy being nasty to people, nor did I want to be their doormat, and more importantly, I had to nurse my precious ego back to health.
So when I chanced upon a book on Kindle by Darlene Lancer, How to Speak Your Mind, Become Assertive, and Set Limits, I devoured every bit of it and became more enlightened on the topic.
How do you communicate assertively?
To communicate assertively, it is essential to know your what, whys, and hows.
Communicating assertively involves knowing how to ask for what you want. According to the author, many people do not know what they want.
Instead of being clear and direct in their communication, they often beat around the bush or are unclear by grumbling, nagging, giving hints, etc. Most of it is because they don’t know what they want.
Let us look at an example :
What do I want? : I want to go to a movie
Why do I want it?: Because I want to spend time with you/enjoy spending time with you, etc
What do I feel when I get what I want? Happy/ excited/loved/included?
What do I feel when I don’t get what I want?: Disappointed, hurt, unloved, etc.
Is there any other alternative way to fulfill the why? Can it be a quiet dinner only? Can the movie be tomorrow or next week? Find other options.
So, if you want to have a quiet dinner with a friend, don’t moan about the past, grumble, or get into a rigmarole. Instead, figure out what you want. Next, find out why you want it and the purpose it serves you. It is important to be aware of how you feel when you do get and don’t get it. Then, it helps to think of options wherein both parties are happy.
Effective communication= Assertive Communication
Once you know what you want, the following is a quick hack to help you become Assertive. It is about rephrasing what you want respectively and positively. It may sound like an English class, but it is an effective hack!
Use’ I ‘statements instead of ‘You ‘statements while communicating.
Let us consider the following sentences to understand why this is important and how it makes a difference in the conversation:
You are always like a jerk and inconsiderate!
I feel hurt when you do Xyz…
or
You never take the trash out.
I would like you to take the trash out. (or)
Can you please take out the trash now? ( You can give the time frame you would want it by)
or
You are always late.
I do not like waiting for hours, so please be on time.
Ask for what you want clearly with no added extras.
It is best to ask for what you want clearly without the added extras of taunting, grumbling, nagging, and beating around the bush. Let us consider the following:
I want to go to a movie today. (Better yet, specify the movie name ) instead of
You never take me out for a movie. The last time we went was ages ago. You promised me three months ago, and we are still not gone. Blah, blah, blah. ( grumbling, nagging, bringing up the past )
By being unclear, the other doesn’t know what you want, and it doesn’t solve the problem.
Don’t ask a question or give out subtle hints.
Never assume that people are mind readers and know what goes inside your head. Let’s see how this pans out.
I want to go to the party. (Assertive) instead of
Do you want to go to the party? (Question)
I would like you to hover over the house Or Can you please hoover the room? Instead, the house needs to be hoovered. I am tired ( Hint)
Avoid the ‘I think’ statements.
Sentences like I think you should do…. sound judgemental, opinionated, or like you are labeling someone.
I would like you to clean the garden now (instead of)
I think you should clean the garden now because blah( opinion)
It is essential to own your feelings and wants while communicating
I feel unimportant or angry when you get late or stand me up! (Own your feelings, needs, and wants.) — instead of
I think you are inconsiderate blah blah (judgemental)
Saying a simple No.
Many people struggle to say No when they do not want to do something because they think it might sound bad or selfish. So instead of saying no, they beat around the bush, hide away, pretend to be busy, or begrudgingly and resentfully do the task.
Many others don’t know that they have the right to say No. If there is something you don’t like to do, it is perfectly alright, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Many people are guilt-tripped into believing that they can't say No.
The first step is to believe in your right to say ‘No’.The next is to say it and believe it is a complete sentence that needs no justification or clarification. Some of the alternates to No are
I am uncomfortable with that (rather than) You force me to do…
If you do not want to discuss something, you could say:- I'd rather not discuss that rather than
However, the author acknowledges it can get a bit sticky in the beginning when you are starting with close relationships. So she suggests the following
Practice with people who do not make a difference in your life, like a sales clerk or people at the shopping center who you will not meet again.
Instead of giving long explanations and blaming, it is better to buy time by saying — I will get back to you or Let me think about it, and I will get back to you. The goal is to be direct and not beat around the bush.
Creating boundaries
Creating boundaries is an advanced form of Assertiveness that involves risks. It means taking a stand about who you are, what you are willing to do or not do, and how you want to be treated and respected in a relationship.
It is when you draw the line in the sand and say -That’s it! This is my boundary.
Here, you know what is not negotiable /unacceptable to you and have consequences for anyone violating the boundary. E.g. If a person is being repeatedly rude to you and after normal ways of Assertiveness are ignored, you can say — Stop talking to me rudely. I will speak to you only after you calm down or when you are willing to hear me. Here, your non-negotiable is to be spoken with respect. Some examples of establishing boundaries are:
No
I don't take responsibility for that
Thats your opinion
Stop
I don't like it
Cut it out
I don’t see it that way
Don't call me names
Please don’t.
I don’t want to listen(discuss that)
Setting limits
If the offense still happens after setting boundaries, nagging, blaming, and raising voices won’t help. It is all ineffective. Instead, the author suggests digging deep and discovering what is troubling you and why. What is acceptable to you and not? Setting a limit is the last resort, where you make an ultimatum.
It is when you know something is unacceptable and are willing to take necessary action to stop your boundaries from being violated. The consequence here is for your well-being and not to punish the other person. Hence, only if you can carry out the consequence does it make sense to issue a threat of the consequence.
The way forward to communicate assertively:
The next time you find yourself in a pickle and are afraid to say no or ask for what you want, know it is your right! After you believe in your rights, spend time trying to understand what you want and why. Then, communicate effectively using I statements and be clear and concise.
Do not be subtle or drop hints, as no one is a mind reader. Also, do not hesitate to say No, as it is also one of your fundamental rights. Lastly, know your boundaries and establish them. If nothing else works, set limits! All this takes time, support, and relearning. So keep practicing till this becomes a core part of who you are. We owe this to ourselves to help make a more cohesive and equal society.
Originally published at https://thereturnofthelionqueen.com on March 22, 2020.
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