Coaches, Cults & Online Communities: Navigate the Coaching Landscape
Empower yourself in the age of online Guidance
When I was expecting my first child, I spoke to other new mums from work to learn about their experiences of being a working mum and how they navigated through that journey. They shared their experience, telling me what they learned and how I could avoid some of their mistakes. Every mum had a unique tale with different lessons and different mistakes they’d made. I soaked in all that information and other relevant books and websites I knew of.
When deciding to leave my 10-month-old at nursery, we researched nurseries and got references from the mums at work and heard their experiences. Having working mum friends who were in the same boat as me, hearing from their experiences, and having them to talk to as I navigated my journey as a new working mum helped me tremendously.
They were like an anchor, support system, inspiration, and sense of guidance and information. That support system was a big help, especially since I was away from my family and friends. I learned their blueprint and the pitfalls, but I had to take my journey.
But when it came to making decisions, it was my husband and I who made the decisions that suited our life- and situation- because everyone’s life and situation are different, and no two situations are identical. I could not follow their path, but I could use their path to illuminate mine.
Today, with access to the internet and the booming coaching and online course industry, we can access tailored information and communities on any topic. It can be yoga poses, exercise, language, psychology, trauma subjects, somatic studies, hand painting, knitting, cooking, meditation-you name it, and you’ll have it at your fingertips.
It’s brilliant because it has made the world a smaller place. We can learn from someone who has done it and get to know their version of how it happened for them, what worked for them, the pitfalls, etc. The experiences are informative, inspiring, and transformative. I have taken quite a few on blogging, writing, and many more.
The author, Simon Sinek, talks of the 12-step process of AA ( Alcohol Anonymous). He says that it is not until we take the 12th step, i.e., teaching another alcoholic to stop drinking, that we may not defeat the disease. He says the 12th step is the most important because the service of others in a similar position helps us the most.
Now, this can be a good and bad thing. The good thing is that with a click, you get access to someone’s blueprint, support, and experience and learn the ropes- for any topic under the sun- knitting, writing, confidence. You name it; you’ll find someone teaching it.
The bad thing is that it can sometimes mean -the blind leading the blind. Because someone is just a bit higher on the curve or lots higher on the curve than you, it doesn’t make them an expert on the topic. It makes them a little more experienced than you. It also means that they need help with it, so their training may be/could be biased or inaccurate. Just because someone experienced something in a certain way also doesn’t make it a factual truth.
Sometimes Coaches and communities behave like Jesus on the mount- invincible and all-knowing. Some seem like cults where everyone hangs on to every word of the leader/ course creator as though it is the gospel truth. They offer no space for questions or discussions that may differ from the coach’s experience. They may perceive questions and discussions as an attack because they are inexperienced or lack leadership skills.
When coach leaders begin to believe that their course or coaching is the ultimate path or the holy grail, it can lead to a downward spiral. They begin to think they are invincible, their fragile egos inflate, and they lose their purpose. From wanting to help people and serve others, it becomes mixed with other unhelpful things. Any coach, community, or course provider that discourages discussion and encourages blind following is one we must treat as suspect because such communities turn into cults that rob people of their agency.
The coach, a leader, or a course creator teaches a road map that worked for them. It is not the miracle cure, the holy grail, or the road map for everyone. We may find a few things that work for us in that blueprint, and the rest may not work or apply to us or not align with our values, lives, or situations. It is essential to be aware of this. It is important to discern this and maintain one’s discerning ability.
So, when you join a coaching or course, have fun, enjoy being part of the community, learn from people, and use them as your guide and inspiration, but do not blindly follow everything they say. Test, experiment, and see if it works, feels good, and aligns with your value system. If it doesn’t, it is ok to trust yourself and your decisions. So, at any point in a course or a coaching session, if you feel something is off, stop, pause, and assess if what is said is true for you and feels suitable for you.
When you do something new or are learning something new, the voice guiding you should be your voice/ your inner truth and guidance. Others can inspire you, but the voice should come from you.
Once, I was in a conflicting situation and needed an opinion. I told my mum, and she told me what she would have done if she was in that situation, which differed from what I wanted. She told me a piece of advice I always hold dear to me. She said that- ‘no one knows your life and situation better than you do, so ultimately, do what you think is right’.
So I think it is essential to listen to everyone and take everyone’s advice and perspectives, with a pinch of salt.
When it's time to take action, you should be the one deciding, because no one knows what’s best for you. No one knows your fears, anxieties, strengths, situations, or the resources you may or may not have better than you do, so the ultimate call should be made by you. As for the time with the new mums, I heard from many but took a decision that suited me; I was in the decision-making seat.
Any community or coach that undermines what you believe or stand for, makes you doubt it, or makes you feel like your voice doesn’t have a place. This is a sign to move out, move on, and find something that aligns with you.
A true leader/guide allows you to take your time to reach your goals. They accept that they, too, don’t know all the answers (they have limitations), that one size does not fit all, and can accommodate views different from their own. They encourage you to trust and believe in yourself and aim to teach you to believe in yourself.
Their ultimate aim should be for you not to need them (not be dependent on them]. Just as a parent’s responsibility is to make children become responsible adults [ fully functioning adults on their own,) a good coach/community’s aim should be to make you fully functioning on your own- to be independent and use them as a permanent crutch.
It is important to know why we are buying the coaching service. Is it because we need it, feel compelled to for fear of missing out, or are using it as an excuse to not take action? Sometimes we do not need another course to tell us how to write, create a business, or improve ourselves.
We have to get into the real world and take action- and that's when the magic happens -when the rubber meets the road. We cannot only be taking guidance, inspiration, instructions, and lessons. Eventually, we have to trust ourselves, know we are capable, and take action.
A coach’s aim should be to lead, guide, and inspire- and that’s where their role ends. They told you what they know; now it’s up to us. We can use them for support, guidance, and inspiration, but the action part has to be done by us.
You can lead a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink.
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